Lament

Yes. It's been ages since I posted.

Excuse #1: I just got back from vacation. That takes care of the last two weeks.

Before that?

Excuse #2 (and this is the kicker): I'm sort of depressed about food, these days.

I know - that's not good for a personal chef to confess. But still, it's true.

The problem is weight. As in, too much. And it's really getting to me. I've been "trying" for a year to lose weight. I literally wake up every day, determined to keep the calories DOWN today. And practically every day, I fail. I did manage to drop six pounds, with LOTS of discipline and practically no calories. But it's all come back. Maybe a pound or two more.

I cannot be satisfied with my weight. I can't be one of those "happy with my body" people. Besides, with arthritis, iffy knees, and slightly elevated cholesterol (and a family history rampant with heart disease), I NEED to weigh less.

I'm punishing my body to do otherwise.

I've signed up with websites - the community sites with daily food tracking, and exercise trackers, and forums where I can get support from other people. I've kept food dairies until I can tell you without looking how many calories I've consumed.  I've tried to exercise - lunges and stretches and dancing to old rock 'n roll. But I always drift away from all of it.

Through it all, I've stayed true to my Real Food desires. No processed food. I won't eat sugar-free anything, but then I don't eat or drink a lot of sweetened things, anyway.

Well, except... I have a super sweet tooth. So, while I don't drink sodas (or even juice), and I don't use jams, and I don't buy smoothies or lattes or boxed cereal or energy bars, or any of that STUFF - I do love sweets.

You know, real sweets. Like homemade cookies or brownies or cake. Chocolate-just-about-anything. And while I don't keep those things around the house, I still crave them, and when I lose it, I really lose it. I make cookies and eat half the dough. Or I'll buy a bag of chocolate chips and eat half a cup, everyday until they're gone. I don't do it often. But I do it often enough. Or I'll mix up a a couple tablespoons of cocoa and sugar, with hot water to make a paste, and I'll eat that. With nuts.

I love nuts. Nuts are really good for you and they're good for your heart. But they have a LOT of calories and fat. So the key is just a little. Say a tablespoon or so every day. Or less. But if I don't have anything else in the house and I'm craving SOMETHING - I'll eat a half a cup of nuts without even thinking about it. And I do keep nuts in the house. All kinds.

And bread. Oh yeah, I LOVE bread. It's something I've been fairly successful at limiting, but it's one of the things that depresses me. I'd love to make a loaf of delicious whole-grain bread and have a slice or two. But I don't dare.

Cheese. Sorry. I've given up butter for the most part (no, I'm not using margarine)- but I'm not giving up the cheese.

And I hate it. Food should not be enemy. But there it is. There is too much food available to me and I don't have the discipline to not indulge.

So this is why I don't post. I don't want to think about food. I whine when I think about food. Yet today for lunch, I made a tomato soup that is practically zero calories (maybe 75 in the 1 1/2 cups I had), and I let myself have a slice of bread with provolone cheese melted on it. Which was probably 250 to 300 calories.

But the meal was pretty and fresh, and it tasted great.

So there.